I stepped off the bus in memphis, stumbled into the first saloon i could find.
i bellied up to the rail and i summoned my barkeep, ordered up tequila, some salt, and a lime.
she said, "son, you ain't from around here, is you?"
and i said politely, "no, no, maam, i ain't"
she said, "son, well, let me give you a little bit of friendly southern advice. we don't use that junk round here for nothin' cept well, maybe, thinnin' out paint."
and she said, "son, why don't you just take a look around and tell me what you see."
i saw a lot of white felt stetson hats and gator skin boots and every southern man who had a lady on his arm was drinking whiskey.
so i said, "i do not wish to be out of order here, i am not a tramp or a bum. the dusty mexican border lands are where i've just come from. so, with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference."
She said, "relax honey, you know i would never treat you wrong," and then she poured me up three fingers of that old number 7.
she said, "rest assured, darling, we're drinking it down here in dixie. that's cause that's what they're pouring up in heaven."
and i said, "maam, your hospitality is well intention. yes, i know you mean to treat me well but where i come from, born and raised in arizona, don't you know, me and my friends would be more likely drinking what they serve down in hell."
and she said, "son, why don't you take a look around and tell me what you see."
well, i saw a lot of furled brows under them white felt stetson hats and every southern man who had a lady on his arm was looking kind of angry.
so i said, " i do not wish to be out of order, gents, i am not a tramp or a bum. the dusty mexican border land is where i've just come from. so with all due respect and deference, tequila is my preference."
So she said, "hey look you little pool cat, you better knock that whiskey back before us southern folk get angry. we'll come and skin you to the bone and i ain't exactly sure how that old saying goes but i do know it underscores the fact that you best be drinkin' what the romans drink when you're drinkin' down in rome!!"
And i said, " maam, i can see that you just do not understand and i have been trying to get a proper drink out of this bar now, the whole damn night. so, kindly set me up that tequila, honey. let me get it in my blood and i will take you and your whiskey sippin southern boys; up on that there fight!!"
And she said, "son, why don't you just take yourself a look around and tell me what you see."
i saw a lot of grinding teeth and i saw a lot of clenching fists and every southern man who was once over there; sitting at the bar was up and coming after me.
so i said, "i do not wish to be out of order gentlemen. i am not a tramp or a bum. the dusty mexican border land is where i've just come from so with all due respect and deference.....gentlemen, kindly do not throw me out ass backwards for hankering for a less civilized spirit. why don't i just mosey on along and find my tequila on my way back west?"