My new driver's license photo
makes me look like quasimoto
and all my clothes are styled for me
by minnesota fats
The diet drink i live on
soon may take the place of decon
heard it killed 8-million laboratory rats
Every night i dream of ding dongs
that are big enough for king kong
and someday i may just be that big myself.
Stepped on the scales, put in a dime
card came out, said "one at a time"
i tell ya friends, i really need some help
[chorus]
cause i'm fat
i feel so fat
the bottoms of my feet
are the only parts of me that's flat
in a society where thin is in
and lean is where it's at
fat. oh,hoo, hoo oo...why do i have to be so fat?
you're so fat [background voices]
Started workouts with jane fonda
when i couldn't get in my honda
i's determined i'd turn all my flab to lean
I would hear of some new diet
and i'd run right out and try it
didn't eat a thing for weeks that wasn't green.
Every week down at the fat club
i would proudly stand up
tell my weight loss, and give my testimony
Lost 50 pounds, i's feeling great
just had one drink to celebrate
and went right out and ate
a french-fried shetland pony
[chorus]

[begin standup comedy]:
Somebody put a bumber sticker on my car
said honk if you've got groceries
I's just standing on a corner
and a cop came over, and asked me to break it up
Evel knievel called
wants to jump me
Earl sheib wouln't paint me
for eighty-nine ninety-five
Good year called
wants me to join the fleet
cover the next superbowl
All the chairs in my house got seatbelts