I've never been
Your average therapist
Not very good
With women or men
But on the farm
I help the animals

The call came in
At a quarter after two
The herd's gone nuts
We don't know what to do
Each one of these
Cows are crazy
And you're our only hope now

This is what they called me for
But I am havin' some doubt
That I can help these cows
I'm the only one they've got now
Will try every freudian technique out
To try to help these cows!

They won't stand still,
Respect they do not show
Just an udder day,
Using everything I know
Try to pick their brains
They won't respond to me
Seems they're too slow,
For advanced psychology

This is what they called me for
But they've got me wondering how
That I can help these cows?
Trying every trick in the book now
Well I'll do almost anything
Just to help these cows

Every cow just needs to calm down
Every cow needs to be drugged, to be drugged!

Gather all the cows around
Cause I've got the solution now
I can help these, I can help these cows!

This is what I came here for
Get my prescription pad out now
So I can help these cows
Each one of them gets a pill
Wellbutrin should make them chill
I'm going to drug these cows

This is what they called me for
And everyone can sleep better now
Since I've helped these cows
Smarter than I've ever been
Never been afraid of selling out
Just to help the cows

This why I come around
No one can question me now
Because I helped them
Yes I cured those cows.